Solitude, Isolation, Loneliness…
Three distinct words that are often analysed as a whole; some believe that solitude is connected and replenishes while isolation and loneliness are disconnected and diminishes, some proffer that loneliness and solitude are the expressions of the pain and joy (respectively) of isolation and others poetically compare a season of solitude, isolation and loneliness to a caterpillar cocooning itself before morphing into a beautiful butterfly with wings and the freedom to fly.
In the past, my experiences with solitude, isolation and loneliness (SIL) were meaningful. Sitting in my car watching the sunset after a stressful day at the office was solitude that replenished, silencing my phone and isolating myself for a day was enough time to disconnect, process and regroup and the painful periods of loneliness inevitably served as a reminder to appreciate the people and things in my life that truly mattered. Simple choices, simple truths…
Guillain-Barré Syndrome (GBS) and Neurogenic Heterotopic Ossification (NHO) obliterated that simplicity along with those truths. When life as I knew it ceased to exist but the world continued to spin without pause the choice of human, physical interaction was no longer mine to make or influence. Without that choice, I am left with unwanted solitude that equates to isolation of the oppressive variety which leads to a familiarity with the type of loneliness – a deep, hollow space that feels incredibly tangible – that is as crippling as my medical conditions.
Of course I attempt to soothe my SIL with God’s unconditional love and notions such as ‘in life’s struggles you do not lose relationships only find which ones are true’ and ‘never chase love and attention because if it is not given freely it is not worth having’ but despite my best counter arguments, I am vulnerable and loneliness is a compelling liar.
March 31st, 2018: 786 days with GBS & NHO and far too often I hate my pain more than I love my life, I crave what is not worth having and I know without a doubt that within the human touch exist the power to both destroy and heal all at once.
*** in this moment I can be broken or given wings ***
