I have happy, childhood memories of window shopping; the thick glass of the storefronts was like a magic trick that made the lights brighter and the displays more impressive. Years later I am experiencing a reversed version of those moments – much like the inanimate objects that were fixed and staged I am stuck in the ‘ my recovery from Guillain-Barré Syndrome (GBS) will always be incomplete because I need surgery to correct the Neurogenic Heterotopic Ossification (NHO) ’ position.
Do you think that this outlook is solely a matter of my attitude and choices? 
Please note that my reality emphatically disagrees. The bone surrounding my hip joints is a solid fact that will not change regardless of the many self-help tools I practice for the sole purpose of actively choosing not to feel stuck. I acknowledge my fears and negative emotions with perspective. I visualize my dreams – in the 3 years since my diagnosis I have not once dreamt of myself in a wheelchair; I am always healthy, happy and walking / running perfectly – becoming my truth. I have done the research, asked the questions and completely dedicated myself to the spiritual, mental and physical work with a good attitude (most days anyway!) and the appropriate levels of gratitude. Most importantly, I do not hold selfish expectations of anyone or notions that I am owed anything, in fact repeatedly asking for financial, emotionally and/or physical support is an abhorrent situation I prefer not to be in.
I whole-heartedly choose to overcome GBS & NHO! So much so the thick, magical glass on the storefront of my life promotes illusions of brilliance and grander that make assessments like ‘you look so good’ and ‘you are doing so well’ a daily occurrence. It is so convincing that most onlookers conclude that my conditions are not critical or terminal and my recovery is just a matter of time and my efforts, so with a smile of adoration and kind words of encouragement they move on.
Let me restate – no one owes me anything, my rational brain knows this as absolute but my breaking heart that is desperate for every resource available to help me receive hip surgery is irrational and wanting. Regardless of my disposition, appearance or efforts – surgery is the only option that will allow me to regain full function of my body and avoid life-long wheelchair dependency. Yes, it is possible to adjust to physical limitations and a diminished quality of life but can I truly accept them knowing there is an alternative? No! I am not brave enough.
February 28th, 2019: 1,119 days stuck in the GBS & NHO display but longing for the opportunity to be on the other side of the magic glass.
*** being heard is so close to being loved that they are sometimes indistinguishable ***
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